Woody is 1. Yes a whole year has gone by since I’ve been fumbling my way through life with 2 boys!
I have honestly found the jump from one to two much more difficult than I had ever imagined. I know we had a small age gap and so some will be reading this and thinking ‘what did you expect’ BUT now experiencing it, I think I would have found it just as difficult with any age gap. I don’t even think it’s the physical side to having 2 – the extra washing, more toys to trip over, more tidying, more stuff to pack etc … Its been the mental side of things that has been the biggest shock.
I was never worried about being able to love another baby and certainly wasn’t sad to have another boy (despite regularly being asked – are you going to have any more… you know to try for a girl?). But what I wasn’t prepared for the gut wrenching guilt I would have for my eldest, Teddy. From the minute I left him with my mum and dad to go off and have Woody I felt the most guilt I had experience as a parent. His life was going to change and I felt awful about it. Yes I was giving him a brother but until they are older there isn’t much benefit in these early stages. All my early postnatal emotions were about how I felt I couldn’t give Teddy what I used to and to this day, although easier, I still feel that. I wish I could give him more one to one time without his little brother pulling at the book or my leg (or his leg for that matter).
The juggle became even more intense when I returned to work after 3 and half months. Running your own business, it hard to switch off and have too much time away. Again, a rod for my own back but hey, it is what it is. The hour here and there, away from the boys, is a god send though as it gives me that time to switch off, exercise (which always helps with the happy hormones) and generally refresh ready for the rest of my day with them. I am lucky that my job allows me to be able work, as well as see my boys all the time, meaning I rarely miss out on anything.
I do however struggle with admin time, as when I’m not physically teaching, I am in full mum mode and have absolutely no chance of putting my laptop up and replying to emails/planning classes. The lack of ‘paperwork’ time makes me doubt my professional and working ability and the days I stick ‘Hey Dugee’ on and attempt to do my class plans, makes me doubt my parenting ability. It’s a viscous, guilt cycle that I keep riding the wave on.
As many parents know, most the time you are at the bottom of the priority list so to get out the house I just about have enough time to sweep my greasy hair back and set off. I am always dressed in Lycra (which for people who don’t know my job – I just look like an active wear wanker), I never have any make up on and I am always distracted when in a social environment with the boys both moving in different directions.
The amount of organisation it takes to get both ready and us all out the door sometimes doesn’t seem worth it for the odd hour BUT the passion I have for my job and my clients makes the chaos completely worthwhile.
Thank you for all riding this year with me – clients for sticking with me and my classes, friends for understanding when I haven’t text back or made the time to see them, random strangers for messaging words of support on my Instagram stories. I am starting to feel like the weight is lifting off my shoulder and I am going to carry on embracing my crazy life as a self employed fitness instructor mum of 2 boys.